Another great article from Fantastic for you today exposing the top 5 ways gamers cheat at Football Manager. Hide your face and prepare to go beetroot with embaressment folks, you've been caught!
Yes we have all done it. No that isn’t the royal we, I mean all of us. Every single one of us has done something to take an unfair advantage over our poor defenceless digital opponents. Sometimes it is accepted by the majority, sometimes it is so evil and sordid few dare to speak their dirty secrets in public, for fear of ostracism from the rest of society. Yes tonight Matthew I will be donning the guise of Allan Pinkerton (the most famous private detective of all time) and doing a Heat by dishing the dirt on the sleazy world that is cheating in Football Manager. I will be giving you the Top 5 worst cheating methods and telling you just how Miles Jacobsen will make you pay. So sit back, lock the doors, bolt the windows and prepare yourself for some serious filth.
At 5 we have something that is generally used by 80% of those who play Football Manager, but something that some refuse to talk about. LLMs hide your realism hungry eyes because this one may do a Medusa on you:
5. Quitting when you lose a match.
Fair enough you might think, its a game. In Sonic The Hedgehog you lose when you die, when you die you restart and try again. So what’s wrong with doing it in Football Manager you may ask? Well, only the fact that ever since the series began the creators have been striving to create realism. You going “hmm, I lost to Sunderland again, I’ll restart” does them a huge disservice and occasionally makes them cry, Do them a favour, all you restart junkies who claim they’re really that good, play through an entire season as Sunderland without restarting and then we’ll see who’s the José around the scene.
Miles Jacobsen punishment: You must play with Michael Ricketts for an entire season and he has to start every game.
At 4 we have a widely used cheating method that for me is what really separates the men from the boys. The people who do this are making a mockery of their managerial ability and actually wasting the time of a couple of people you have at your club to do a job. I mean come on, they may only be used sparingly by most, but at least make them feel like they’ve earned that £1000 a week you pay them. Not everyone in football is like Winston Bogarde. Yes you’ve guessed it its is…
4. Using FM Scout
You may have noticed around the scene recently a lot of cries of “Oh this game is so hard” and “my team sucks, I hate you SI”. That’s because the proletariat haven’t yet received their precious FM Scout. Yes fair play to Nygreen, a great tool for finding out who the best player is. But surely the whole fun is (WARNING MAJOR CLICHÉ) unearthing a rough diamond and slowly polishing them into a world class player. If you’ve looking for cheap, fast thrills then Football Manager is not for you, go and play Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s Licensed to Drive if you want those kinds of kicks.
Miles Jacobsen punishment: You must sell your two most prized assets you found using FM Scout and exchange them for Michael Ricketts. If they refuse to move to Kettering then release them on a free.
This is where things get a bit grubby. You can throw me any excuse you want but you know when you do this you feel very dirty. The two previous cheats were pretty tame compared to the next FM faux pas. It violates and threatens the lives of more than one individual, no this one attacks the very fan base of an entire club. Yes that’s right its…
3. Taking over another club and buying a poor player for “loadsa money” (Harry Enfield for those who didn’t know that reference)
So you’re quietly managing Nottingham Forest, back in the premiership, 3rd season there and you have won the League Cup and the UEFA Cup. You’re doing fairly well this season; 4 points off the top two and with the 30 million pounds you saved up, you can afford to splash big in January in an attempt to close the gap. Suddenly everything goes black, five minutes pass and you come around in the bathroom of an Esso petrol station. You open up your jacket pocket to reveal a contract telling you that you have successfully agreed terms to sign a player for a club record 30 million pounds. Dazed and confused you stroll back to the club, only to realise that you have got the poor man’s Emile Heskey, Michael “I’m good in the air, boss” Ricketts. Not fair is it, and neither is it for the poor fans of Chelsea, Real Madrid, Manchester United and all those other well endowed clubs, so cut it out, now.
Miles Jacobsen punishment: Exchange your entire playing squad for Michael Ricketts. Don’t worry you can offer all those excellent greyed out players contracts.
In the quest to become a prominent member of the Football Manager scene, someone came up with another tool to aid you. You being those who spent/spend their time filling the seats on the special needs bus to school. Well done Billy we are talking about…
2. MCFM
The name mind compression really does explain the effect the thought of people using it has on my mind. It has so many options, you can add money to your club, “I’ll pretend a Russian oil baron took it over”, yes that will make sleep better at night won’t it. But the worst thing you can do with the devil’s staff™ is increasing the ability of one of their players. Usually more considering they have already entered the life of crime by downloading this sacrilegious program. “Oh but he improved in a short space of time, just like Frank Lampard did”, I hear you say. I’m sorry but does the fact that the player you just change used to be 34, now 20, is worth over 20 million, used to be 4 grand, and was the only man in history to be likened to Ali Dia, the player (used very loosely there) who Graeme Souness signed because a man pretending to be George Weah told him he was good, not mean anything to you. Well if you dance with the Devil, you will get your comeuppance.
Miles Jacobsen punishment: You must change all your players names to *insert any name here* Michael Ricketts. If you have any self respect then you would retire immediately and hit the bottle, hard.
So we arrive at the pinnacle of Football Manager smut. Worse than anything, (quite possibly worse than signing Michael Ricketts) and those who have done this, I hope a gun was pointed at your head when you did it, otherwise pray for mercy. Yes, and you know damn well if you’ve done it, its…
1. Taking over your next opponent before your match to guarantee a win.
It starts off once, you’ve tried everything but you can’t beat them. Frustration sets in and so in desperation you assume the control of your opponents, pick worse players for them and sit back, safely knowing you will win. That’s bad enough, but then you start to be inventive, placing the players in a 0-5-5 formation with all the attacking lines pointing to the top left corner. Your players cruise past whilst a bizarre 11 man gangbang occurs on pitch (I won’t use any back of the net euphemisms here). Suddenly you fins you do it against most of the teams you can’t beat on first try and you win games 23-0. “I iz well good at dis managing lark mate”, you may say smugly to yourself. Give up now, you just paid 35 quid for a game you will never enjoy, considering enjoyment for you involves setting fire to people/inanimate objects and date rape.
Miles Jacobsen punishment: Michael Ricketts is too good for you scumbag. |
发表于 2005-11-22 18:55:19
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